EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE USA

(And were sorry you asked)

Oklahoma is OK. You're inhuman if the Vienam War Memorial doesn't bring tears to your eyes. Don't be surprised when someone in Louisiana asks if you suck the head. I now call them 'Casino Americans.' Seattle coffee is overrated. Only rookies ask for window seats. Paris, London, New York, Moab.

Great country music in Millie's Moose River Bar, Kenai, Alaska. And good people in The Mustache, Silverton, Colorado. Doesn't get any better than Cajun crawfish and beer. Never been to Hawaii or Idaho. Want to irritate a Canadian? Ask how much it is in REAL money. Montreal's best restaurant is Gibby's. Should never have closed Charley's Place in Crawfordsville, Indiana. The Silver Dollar will have to do. Detroit must be America's worst city.

And none are cleaner than Minneapolis and Salt Lake City. Down in Luckenbach, Texas, ain't nobody feeling no pain. I work in Compton, and on Figueroa Street. I can't understand people from North Carolina. The Coyote Club in Spartanburg, South Carolina is where it's at. Met the Dungeon Master there. Good breakfast at Aces and Eggs, Deadwood, South Dakota. Stood at Rube Waddell's grave in San Antonio. And the Bronx scares me.

The people in New York give rudeness a bad name. As big as he was, it still amazes me King Kong could climb the Empire State building. Surprised when they find a Japanese soldier on some remote island still fighting WWII? You shouldn't be. Down south there's hundreds still fighting the Civil War. People in the northwest really believe in Big Foot. In California they like Little Feet. Little Rock is bigger than Boulder. I see Elvis all the time.

Dealy Plaza haunts, mainly because Oswald never shot a soul in his life. America the Beautiful should be our National Anthem. At a Hampton Inn I sneezed and the guy in the next room said, "Bless you." Jack Kerouac, Jesse Colin Young, and Ed McMahon are all Lowell, Massachusetts boys. The Stein House in Portland, Oregon, was better as Bananas. I was in misery in Missouri. And I wish they all could be California girls...

Garth's "Friends in Low Places" is the nation's rural anthem. And I've seen a jukebox Lynard Skynard melt down a Lousianna barroom. Never, never remove your wallet in an airport. Manhattan is Algonquin for "there goes the neighborhood." Doesn't get much better than "Blue Highways" by William Leastheat Moon. The old Land Ho in Orleans down the Cape was a wild, wild place. And nothing was as beautiful as the Shacks down Nauset Beach. And I'll take an earthquake over a tornado any day.

Manana is really Spanish for 'Never.' Everyone loves a New England accent. Anyone sitting next to me on an airplane that starts doing isometric exercises gets thrown out of the emergency door. "Travels With Charlie" is a great road book. I'll never help a snapping turtle across a road again. I miss Divine. But no, John Waters isn't a genius. It's pronounced 'Ver-sales' in Kentucky... And I've worked in East Texas, Pennsylvania.

I've yet to see any bluegrass in Kentucky. The 20th floor John Adams was a wild, wild place. And I miss the Blue Wall. It's close, but I'd rather be in New York than have day surgery. Best barroom name goes to 'Make My Day' in Oklahoma City. Runnerup? 'He's Not Here' in both Cleveland, Ohio and Gun Barrell City, Texas. Alaska, California, and Colorado are the three prettiest states. In that order. I can't understand people in South Carolina. How could Lee have ordered Pickett, Petigrew and Trimble across this field?

The metric system makes sense by any yardstick. Don't ever drive up Mount Washington. I've lost at the northern-most casino in the world. It doesn't get any better than Fenway Park, except maybe Wrigley field. For an intellectual experience, check out the back room at Shurfine Market in Norwood, Massachusetts. Don't ever buy an ice cream cone in the Everglades. And the Little Big Horn battlefield is a haunting, haunting place.

The Seattle Kingdome made Hitler's bunker look quaint. Key West is the last resort. Which reminds me, Hog's Breath Is Better Than No Breath At All. Spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills...and Box of Rain was their best song. The Sea Sprite in Hermosa Beach, California is America's finest motel. I was blood brothers with a hemophiliac for a short time as a kid. The Skydome in Toronto is five stars. Gruene Hall, Texas's oldest saloon, is where it's at. Did you know Americans invaded Canada in 1866?

The difference? In L.A. everyone acts crazy. In New York they ARE crazy. Never ask what's in a North American hotdog, never eat a South American hotdog. The Texas Hill Country is where it's at. Doesn't get any better than a barbecue brisket sandwich and a Lone Star beer. Steinbeck says Woodstock, Vermont is America's prettiest town, and he's right. If I can just get off of that L.A. freeway without getting killed or caught...

Next person that says to me "Say park your car in Harvard yard" gets it. Jerry Jeff Walker might be the greatest singer of all time. Going-to-the-Sun Parkway in Glacier National Park is America's finest thirty miles. Please don't stop at Wall Drug, you only encourage them. I'll take a fiddle contest in Vermont any day. And right behind it is going over the top, in Rocky Mountain National Park. And last is the Cross Bronx Expressway...not that you asked.